Okay.. I used to go to Starbucks only on special occasions when I REALLY needed a strong energy boost.. and “special occasions” meaning Anna did not sleep for two days straight, somehow has some cash in her wallet, happens to pass by Starbucks, and has a spare minute to sit and relax.. That happened, honestly, once half a year.. because such “special occasions” were extremely rare.. especially on the “spare minute” part..Nowadays, whether I have that spare minute or don’t, I end up visiting that place at LEAST three times a week.. just because I barely sleep at all lately.. and I still need to make it somehow through the day.. and I switched from tall to grande.. (But I still don’t drink coffee!! (EEWWWW!) I always order Chai Tea Latte)..

But anyways.. my point is.. if I started going to that place that often.. for some energy boost.. I seriously need to get myself a little brake.. because sometimes it feels like I’m about to pass out, seriously.. and THAT frustrates me so much.. because instead of getting my brake, I had a “spring brake” of insane endless rehearsals and practices for the concert and my scholarship competition, and now I’m back to college..

And why it frustrates me that I go to Starbucks so often nowadays? Probably because I always hated (and still hate) that place.. it stinks there with COFFEE.. and I hate coffee.. lol.. can’t stand it.. and, trust me, the circumstances must be REAL BAD to make me go to that place.. THAT often..

Sometimes.. just sometimes.. rarely.. but still.. sometimes.. I feel like I need to get a life..

But maybe I’m just looking at it all wrong.. maybe I’m focusing on the wrong things.. maybe my inspiration for doing things comes from the wrong source? As Max Lucado (my favorite writer, by the way) once said, “A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd..”

You think about that one.. deeply.. If you want to do something in life.. maybe.. just maybe.. sometimes.. and just sometimes.. you have to turn your back to this world.. and actually look up at God.. and all you do.. do it for him..

Lead your orchestra, without looking at people.. and yet following the notes God has written for you in his Holy Word.. because when you lead an orchestra.. improvisation is not the smartest thing to do..

Don’t ever try to write a story of your own.. to cast a movie of your own.. without God’s help in it.. I tried it.. and just take my word for it.. that doesn’t work.. it just isn’t working out, no matter how good and great your script looks like.. And definitely don’t expect other people to follow it..

I love brainstroming like this.. and even if no one is going to read this.. I’m still glad I can let it out some place.. because sometimes I feel like I have too much thinking going on in my head.. and really there is no place to let it all out.. Haven’t you noticed it yourself how much easier it becomes for us to communicate with a computer screen rather than with real people in life? I find that funny.. the computer screen will never judge you.. never critisize you.. never point fingers at you..

But why are we so afraid to acknowledge our weaknesses then? Why do we want our pictures on MySpace, for example, our image, to look so good and perfect, here on the Internet? Why do we keep “uploading” things in our life? Why are we so afraid to admit that there are many things wrong about us? Why are we never humble enough to help out our friends in need?

The computer screen is becoming our little best friend.. a world where we can just run away to and be “popular” and “famous,” “loved” and “respected..” where we can have thousands of “friends” on MySpace and pretend that we are “all that” and “happy inside..”

Okay.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, PEOPLE? What is wrong with all of us? I know I’m not saying nothing new here.. but just WHY we never talk about these things.. why is it when we come to someone’s birthday party we talk about anything, but God? Why is it when we go hang out some place we discuss every issue, but problems within our family in Christ?

Where is our Christ-likeness? Why are there so few of us who are truly Christ-centered? Be honest to yourself! Where do YOU put Christ in your life? What do you talk about when you hang out with your friends?

You can pretend it’s all cool as long as you want.. and as long as you enjoy that empty feeling inside.. I know that I’m sick of it already.. I’m sick of a life with no change.. with no REAL relationships with people.. with no TRUE relationships with Christ..

A lot of close friends of mine know that I went through some difficult things in my life just lately.. or at least those who cared enough noticed that I’ve been down lately.. out of myself.. and sometimes looked like I’m about to be “done” with everything.. You know why?

I wrote my own stories in my head and expected everyone else, including God, to follow my well-planned, well-written ideas and scripts.. I lived in a dream.. hoping for things I should have trusted God to handle..

I wrote a following txt msg to a good friend of mine few days ago.. and let’s just say it’s a part of our conversation..

Me: “…I started at the wrong starting point… I tried to cast my own movie… It didn’t work… So now I just open my heart and let Him take over my story… I’ve damaged it enough… and only He has the love and the power to heal me..”

My friend: “I can understand that… been there, done that.”

Me: “But you’re not here anymore… We’re chapters apart…”

My friend: “It takes only a 180 degree turn to get to where I am.”

Me: “And that 180 degree turn is called flipping a few pages back in your story and finding that page where you lost Christ, your first love…”

(Well, and we all should perfectly understand that a friend of mine was speaking of repentence there…)

My friend: “Or you could ask Christ to do it for you. He knows you better than yourself.”

Now that last txt msg just killed me on the spot.. sometimes we think that “we know it all..” We think that our relationship with Christ is always perfect and that we’re on top of the world.. WRONG.. We NEVER think so.. we ALWAYS know that there is something wrong.. it almost never feels “right..” And if only we were honest with each other.. or at least honest with ourselves.. we would always see a reason to ask God to forgive us for something..

I felt like I knew my story.. that story I made up myself.. but I’ve written so much “stuff” and so much crap (I’m sorry for that word) that at some point I just realized that I messed up probably half of my story.. At some point.. we all cross out Christ in our life.. and start writing our story without his name in it.. we lose him on some page.. and keep going.. so bounded with this world and its problems that we don’t even notice how Christ and his love just faded in our life..

And then.. when we finally realize that we lost him some place.. we start searching for him in our story.. flipping back through the pages of our life.. trying to find him.. searching for that “missing person..” and are never able to find that person.. a person who “believed without a reason..”

So in time being of searching and confusion.. we become careless about it eventually.. because we are unable to go back to that page.. it feels like we’ve written so much that nothing and no one will be able to undo what we’ve done..

That’s what I’ve been through.. this past year.. learning all of that.. I thought I “knew it all..” Well, let’s admit I knew a lot.. but I missed one important thing..

“You could ask Christ to do it for you. He knows you better than yourself.”

I did not remember where I lost Christ in my life.. what page on I crossed him out the first time and started worrying about the crowd more than about the orchestra itself.. I don’t know at which point I started composing my own notes.. or at which point I attached so much to these earthly things that I almost totally lost a touch of things from above.. In fact, I came to a point where I did not even realize that I forgot my own story completely.. I did not know myself anymore.. and that reflection in the mirror looked unfamiliar.. strange.. because slowly.. in the process of forgetting my purpose, I became everything I never thought I’d become.. I did not know myself anymore.. because it wasn’t me anymore.. it wasn’t Christ leading my life..

But He.. he knows me better than I know myself.. and when it seemed like nothing could be changed.. it took only a one-breath prayer.. for him to lift me up.. open my eyes.. and take me back to that page where I finally found him.. He knew that page.. very well.. that point where I lost him.. because that’s where he stayed all this time.. waiting for me to ask him to help me find him again.. to say his name.. I asked Christ to do it for me.. to flip the pages of my story.. back to where it felt “right..”

He raised me up.. to more than I can be..

..and on Saturday.. at the concert.. you tell me.. Where would I be without these angels in my life whom God sent me to help me see the light and go through all of this? How can I not be thankful for all of my close friends who have been there for me?

Who stayed up with me on Skype on chat for hours till 4 or whatever in the morning, convincing me that I’m beautiful while I felt like getting up and breaking the mirror in my room? How can I not be thankful for those who read my thousand-word essays on MySpace messages or over txt msgs? Or for those who didn’t mind talking on the phone with me at night, freezing outside, while it’s about to snow? Who gave me a billion of rides home, listening to my stupid and silly stories about my hopeless dreams? Or simply for those who made me smile, laugh, and MEAN it?

We don’t value what we have in Christ.. and what we have is a family of brothers and sisters who are more than willing to help and to believe in you.. it’s just that WE don’t believe in that.. We quit believing in each other and in the power we have in us to change other people’s lives.. If one falls down, the other one can lift him up.. You hear that? We CAN lift each other up.. we CAN help.. but WHY is it so difficult to believe in that?

Would you believe me now if I’m going to tell you that I think WAAAY too much? And it all started with Starbucks.. and HONESTLY, I did not plan to write all of this.. I just thought I’d post a stupid post about me going to Starbucks way too often lately.. but then I just got “rolling..”

I guess I just want to thank “you” for being there for me.. when I needed it most.. and when you did not even realize that you could have been a person who saved my life.. in a literal meaning of that phrase..

Now, I really don’t know what else to say.. because it feels like I’ve said too much already.. but is it really too much to admit that you’re just like everyone else.. searching.. trying.. feeling.. hoping.. dreaming.. “writing..” thinking.. and still managing somehow to believe? Is that really too much?

I don’t think so.. because we all have a story like this to share.. and what I wrote in here should be nothing new.. It’s not like I just discovered a new continent.. I just shared with what Christ did in my life through my brothers and sisters in him..

God is amazing.. and his ways are the ways we might not understand.. but as one person told me.. “It’s when we’re confused the most, God uses us the most.. and then at the end it all makes perfect sense..”

My life is a funny life filled with funny ironies.. and I love  that.. because at the end of all.. it all makes perfect sense..

And it all started with Starbucks.. I can’t believe that I’m as pathetic as I am.. lol..

Deep sigh.. I’m done. And I meant it. I’m done. I’m done with improvising my story. It’s about time someone here opens up the real notes, the real Word, and starts reading some life-changing stuff, turning her back to the crowd. I’m done.