There is really nothing about me that makes me different or special from anyone else you’ve met in your life. I’m just Anna. Just another messed up 16-year-old who thinks she “got it right” this time.

As one of my friends once said, “We’re all a mess inside.” But then some other friend of mine told me that “When we’re confused the most, Christ uses us the most. And then at the end of all we say, ‘Well, that makes perfect sense.’”

But after that I thought: “I get it now: I don’t get it and never will.” (Yes, that is a quote stolen from South Park, in case you didn’t know.)

(And no, I’m not a fan of that show. But, admit it, it’s funny sometimes.)

Maybe we’re not supposed to understand everything. In fact, I was one of those people who thought she can understand about anything. One person proved me wrong. I still can’t believe that I still can’t understand all of what happened this past half a year.

But then again. Maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m not supposed to question things or dig deeper than most people. Maybe I’m not supposed to be thinking about any of this at all.

But I do. Now what?

Sometimes I think I should be simpler than I am, especially when it comes to staying home alone with myself. Trust me, that’s the last thing you want to know: what I do when I stay home alone.

(Let’s just say that it’s either one extreme of something or the other extreme of something else. But in any case it involves deep, critical, philosophical thinking.)

But when it gets to being around people, I think I’m quite simple. Or at least that’s the impression I try my best to create in front of people.

If you know me in person, you think I’m funny, outgoing, happy, and just Anna who loves God. True that. Or maybe you think I’m a little stressed and depressed here and there. True that too. All of it. But that’s about 0.00001% of who I really am inside.

One thing I’m not for sure: a pessimist. (Though most people who talked to me about some deep subjects in life would totally say the opposite.)

I must say that there is this one incredible person who’s always been there for me. All these years, starting when our family just came to US, she has been there for me through thick and thin. She’s a girl of wisdom. She’s amazing.

(No, she’s not my best friend. I don’t believe in that term kids came up with in kindergarten. “Best friends,” right. What else are you going to say to make me laugh? “True love?”)

(Actually, “true love” is about the last thing I’m going to laugh at in my life. There is just no way how I’m letting go of believing in that one.)

So that girlfriend of mine. Yeah, she’s the most incredible person in my life. In fact, I owe her a life in a way. To be honest, I see her once a half a year, but she knows me better than all of the people who see me every day.

She believed in me when I quit on everything. She accepted me just for who I am. Actually, she inspired me to live and to be beautiful when I was about to get up and break the mirror in my room.

That girl is the only person who never judged me for what I did. You know why? Because she knew the heart behind it. She alone knew what it meant for me to sing that song on the Love&Respect night. And when I sat back down, she was the only person who actually understood what I was singing about.

She’s the only person who was patient enough to put up with my wild dreams and imaginations. The only one who could accept the fact that I look at this world, wearing pink glasses.

She’s the only one who could listen to my made up stories about how I wish things turned out in my life. I actually can’t believe that sometimes I sounded so real that she actually believed me. Although I always hated at the end to ruin it all and say, “Girl, I just made that up again.”

We’d both laugh at it, feeling really sorry for myself. Because that is actually so miserable. I even sometimes believe myself.

But then I’d take off the pink glasses, and it would really hurt to look at this world, just the way it is. And she’d be there to give me a “bear-hug” or a (heart). Or she’d be there to change the subject to take my mind off my thoughts.

She’d talk about history and evolution and how it’s all messed up. She’d talk about politics and US goverment. She’d talk about art and the beauty of this world. Actually, we even once ended up talking about economy and money. That was just unbelievable.

Most amazingly, she’d talk about God. She just loves him. So do I. And that, I think, unites us the most. That is what brought us together in the first place.

What she does to me in my life is something no one else has ever done to me.

I’m fascinated with how she puts up with me talking about that “same person” every single time. And I’d go on and on talking about that person.

And she’ll just listen. Interested. Engaged.

She’d be me if needed. She’d say it for me. She’d feel it for me.

And that fascinates me. Simply fascinates me.

You know what? I can go on forever writing about her. In fact, I will. And I don’t care if you don’t care. There is that one person who needs to hear this. And it’s her. Because I was never able to put it all together and to see how actually I’m blessed with her in my life.

You’ll read this and you won’t care. Because you don’t know the heart behind this. She’ll read it, and I’ll bet she’d be teary-eyed by now. Because she’s the only one who realizes that I’m sitting here right now, crying myself.

Because only she knows how much it all means to me. She alone knows that each dot in this whole thing stands for a billion of dots, which only she and I will understand.

In the darkest moments of my life. When I was broken. Torn apart. Worn down. Dead inside. She was the only one who heard me. Who cared enough to listen.

She was the only one to believe that I can stand after all. Girl, I’m crying so bad right now. I don’t even bother to put many dots. Because I’ll just press the “dot” button and won’t let go of it.

You know. She just believes in me. That I can do everything. In Christ. And yet she accepted and loved me the same every single time I failed to do something. Yet she believed in me.

I just could never understand why? But then. Maybe we’re not supposed to understand everything, right?

I’d hate putting her in a box and say she’s “so-and-so” because there is no box that would fit her in.

I think she’s the only person who knows how “blonde” I can be. With all of the “kiki” and “;p;” stuff. Or even better: “LOL~!@#~!~@@!~!” or (heart)(heart)(heart)(heart)(heart). I mean. WOW. She’s the only person who knows anything about me, really.

She’s the only person who knows how stupid I actually am sometimes. She’s the only person who knows how (emo) I am sometimes. She’s the only person who knows the meaning of every picture I’ve ever taken, edited, and posted on MySpace or any other place.

She’s the only person who proof-read or proof-seen almost every work I ever did. If I ever did a new MySpace profile she was the first one to see it. If I ever posted any new picture, she was the first one to see it. Actually, even before I posted it here.

She doesn’t have a cell phone. She’s not “cool” and “all that.” She doesn’t dress Hollister or American Eagle. She doesn’t drive some bmw. And she didn’t need any of that to reach out to me and to many other people. Because she’s wise and humble. She literally absorbed every single feeling of mine.

I mean. How come I barely ever see her and she knows me best of all the people who see me like every day? How come she didn’t need to be anything, but herself to accept someone else just for who that person is?

That girl taught me what life is all about. Girl, screw him. You’re right, I can stand through this. And I will. You know why?

Because there is you who believes in me. Still. No matter what. Because there is you who makes me smile right now through the tears of immense thanks to God for a person like you. Because there is you who loves me just for who I am.

Because, just like I don’t need it all, you don’t need me to be “all that” and “cool” to love me. You don’t need me to be skinny and weigh 120 pounds. You don’t need me to go shopping at A&F. Because you know the heart behind it.

You’re the only one who knows the heart behind all of this. And all of what I just wrote will be important only to you and me. And I don’t care what people will think. I don’t care what others will say. Because others don’t know the heart behind this.

And yet you believe in me. You believe I can do this. You believe that I can be. That I’m still not done.

Girl, you’re the only one who knows how much I’m hurting right now. You’re the only one who knows what’s really going on here.

If I were to write a story about my life, girl. You’ll be this big part of it, just like in this silly “about me” section. Because I would not be who I am right now without you.

All the times we laughed so hard at some comic or some funny thing we said. All the times when I was going “blonde-crazy” and laughing my girl’s heart out. All the times when we would be both dead bored on the two opposite sides of the laptop screen.

All the times we couldn’t say “bye” to each other and would waste about five minutes, writing a “good night” “sleep tight” “don’t let the bed bugs bight” thing to each other. All the times I’d correct your spelling. All the times we’d get frustrated with each other. All the times we’d be angry and mad at something.

All the times. Deep sigh. You name it.

I love you. That says it all. I think I should have written that in the very beginning. Probably then I wouldn’t need this many words.

But then. I wanted you to know what stands behind my “I love you” when I say it. And this is as little as what stands there.

I love you, girl.

I will never stop thanking God for you.

Now that, people, is whom you call a “friend.”

Take me out to Starbucks. For the fun of it. I’ll let you treat me with Tall Chai Tea Latte because you’re super nice. We’ll sit down and start talking about the most random things in life. I guarantee you’ll learn that I hate coffee, just as I hate Starbucks. You’ll probably hear “my-brother” phrase 10 million times. Yes, I love him that much. I’ll laugh loud. I’ll talk loud. And you’ll keep wishing I’d be quieter because you’ll notice people would stare at me in amazement (whether because they’re fascinated with my outgoing attitude or because (just like you) they wish I’d shut up). In about 15-20 minutes of engaged talking and jumping back and forth from topic to topic, you’ll forget about the people around us. You’ll look at me, listening, talking, and you’ll wonder if there is a limit to who I can be. You’ll think I’m funny. In fact, you’ll tell me I’m funny. I’ll probably reply, “Maybe I should go work as a comedian?” You’re not going to notice it, but sooner or later, you’ll be laughing and talking loud together with me, forgetting that any time exists, forgetting people, and everything else that bothered you before. In those 20-30 minutes at Starbucks with me you’ll learn what life is all about. You’ll understand what it means to be accepted for who you are. Not for what you do. Not for how much money you have in your wallet. Not for how beautiful you are. Not for how cool you pretend to be. But for who you are. Because that’s what Christ did and wants us to do: unconditionally love and fully respect others for who they are. I promise you one thing: you’ll remember it all for long. (Oh, and most likely, on our way out of Starbucks I’ll slip on a banana skin and fall down. That’s just my luck. I kid you not.)

lol

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Okay.. I used to go to Starbucks only on special occasions when I REALLY needed a strong energy boost.. and “special occasions” meaning Anna did not sleep for two days straight, somehow has some cash in her wallet, happens to pass by Starbucks, and has a spare minute to sit and relax.. That happened, honestly, once half a year.. because such “special occasions” were extremely rare.. especially on the “spare minute” part..Nowadays, whether I have that spare minute or don’t, I end up visiting that place at LEAST three times a week.. just because I barely sleep at all lately.. and I still need to make it somehow through the day.. and I switched from tall to grande.. (But I still don’t drink coffee!! (EEWWWW!) I always order Chai Tea Latte)..

But anyways.. my point is.. if I started going to that place that often.. for some energy boost.. I seriously need to get myself a little brake.. because sometimes it feels like I’m about to pass out, seriously.. and THAT frustrates me so much.. because instead of getting my brake, I had a “spring brake” of insane endless rehearsals and practices for the concert and my scholarship competition, and now I’m back to college..

And why it frustrates me that I go to Starbucks so often nowadays? Probably because I always hated (and still hate) that place.. it stinks there with COFFEE.. and I hate coffee.. lol.. can’t stand it.. and, trust me, the circumstances must be REAL BAD to make me go to that place.. THAT often..

Sometimes.. just sometimes.. rarely.. but still.. sometimes.. I feel like I need to get a life..

But maybe I’m just looking at it all wrong.. maybe I’m focusing on the wrong things.. maybe my inspiration for doing things comes from the wrong source? As Max Lucado (my favorite writer, by the way) once said, “A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd..”

You think about that one.. deeply.. If you want to do something in life.. maybe.. just maybe.. sometimes.. and just sometimes.. you have to turn your back to this world.. and actually look up at God.. and all you do.. do it for him..

Lead your orchestra, without looking at people.. and yet following the notes God has written for you in his Holy Word.. because when you lead an orchestra.. improvisation is not the smartest thing to do..

Don’t ever try to write a story of your own.. to cast a movie of your own.. without God’s help in it.. I tried it.. and just take my word for it.. that doesn’t work.. it just isn’t working out, no matter how good and great your script looks like.. And definitely don’t expect other people to follow it..

I love brainstroming like this.. and even if no one is going to read this.. I’m still glad I can let it out some place.. because sometimes I feel like I have too much thinking going on in my head.. and really there is no place to let it all out.. Haven’t you noticed it yourself how much easier it becomes for us to communicate with a computer screen rather than with real people in life? I find that funny.. the computer screen will never judge you.. never critisize you.. never point fingers at you..

But why are we so afraid to acknowledge our weaknesses then? Why do we want our pictures on MySpace, for example, our image, to look so good and perfect, here on the Internet? Why do we keep “uploading” things in our life? Why are we so afraid to admit that there are many things wrong about us? Why are we never humble enough to help out our friends in need?

The computer screen is becoming our little best friend.. a world where we can just run away to and be “popular” and “famous,” “loved” and “respected..” where we can have thousands of “friends” on MySpace and pretend that we are “all that” and “happy inside..”

Okay.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, PEOPLE? What is wrong with all of us? I know I’m not saying nothing new here.. but just WHY we never talk about these things.. why is it when we come to someone’s birthday party we talk about anything, but God? Why is it when we go hang out some place we discuss every issue, but problems within our family in Christ?

Where is our Christ-likeness? Why are there so few of us who are truly Christ-centered? Be honest to yourself! Where do YOU put Christ in your life? What do you talk about when you hang out with your friends?

You can pretend it’s all cool as long as you want.. and as long as you enjoy that empty feeling inside.. I know that I’m sick of it already.. I’m sick of a life with no change.. with no REAL relationships with people.. with no TRUE relationships with Christ..

A lot of close friends of mine know that I went through some difficult things in my life just lately.. or at least those who cared enough noticed that I’ve been down lately.. out of myself.. and sometimes looked like I’m about to be “done” with everything.. You know why?

I wrote my own stories in my head and expected everyone else, including God, to follow my well-planned, well-written ideas and scripts.. I lived in a dream.. hoping for things I should have trusted God to handle..

I wrote a following txt msg to a good friend of mine few days ago.. and let’s just say it’s a part of our conversation..

Me: “…I started at the wrong starting point… I tried to cast my own movie… It didn’t work… So now I just open my heart and let Him take over my story… I’ve damaged it enough… and only He has the love and the power to heal me..”

My friend: “I can understand that… been there, done that.”

Me: “But you’re not here anymore… We’re chapters apart…”

My friend: “It takes only a 180 degree turn to get to where I am.”

Me: “And that 180 degree turn is called flipping a few pages back in your story and finding that page where you lost Christ, your first love…”

(Well, and we all should perfectly understand that a friend of mine was speaking of repentence there…)

My friend: “Or you could ask Christ to do it for you. He knows you better than yourself.”

Now that last txt msg just killed me on the spot.. sometimes we think that “we know it all..” We think that our relationship with Christ is always perfect and that we’re on top of the world.. WRONG.. We NEVER think so.. we ALWAYS know that there is something wrong.. it almost never feels “right..” And if only we were honest with each other.. or at least honest with ourselves.. we would always see a reason to ask God to forgive us for something..

I felt like I knew my story.. that story I made up myself.. but I’ve written so much “stuff” and so much crap (I’m sorry for that word) that at some point I just realized that I messed up probably half of my story.. At some point.. we all cross out Christ in our life.. and start writing our story without his name in it.. we lose him on some page.. and keep going.. so bounded with this world and its problems that we don’t even notice how Christ and his love just faded in our life..

And then.. when we finally realize that we lost him some place.. we start searching for him in our story.. flipping back through the pages of our life.. trying to find him.. searching for that “missing person..” and are never able to find that person.. a person who “believed without a reason..”

So in time being of searching and confusion.. we become careless about it eventually.. because we are unable to go back to that page.. it feels like we’ve written so much that nothing and no one will be able to undo what we’ve done..

That’s what I’ve been through.. this past year.. learning all of that.. I thought I “knew it all..” Well, let’s admit I knew a lot.. but I missed one important thing..

“You could ask Christ to do it for you. He knows you better than yourself.”

I did not remember where I lost Christ in my life.. what page on I crossed him out the first time and started worrying about the crowd more than about the orchestra itself.. I don’t know at which point I started composing my own notes.. or at which point I attached so much to these earthly things that I almost totally lost a touch of things from above.. In fact, I came to a point where I did not even realize that I forgot my own story completely.. I did not know myself anymore.. and that reflection in the mirror looked unfamiliar.. strange.. because slowly.. in the process of forgetting my purpose, I became everything I never thought I’d become.. I did not know myself anymore.. because it wasn’t me anymore.. it wasn’t Christ leading my life..

But He.. he knows me better than I know myself.. and when it seemed like nothing could be changed.. it took only a one-breath prayer.. for him to lift me up.. open my eyes.. and take me back to that page where I finally found him.. He knew that page.. very well.. that point where I lost him.. because that’s where he stayed all this time.. waiting for me to ask him to help me find him again.. to say his name.. I asked Christ to do it for me.. to flip the pages of my story.. back to where it felt “right..”

He raised me up.. to more than I can be..

..and on Saturday.. at the concert.. you tell me.. Where would I be without these angels in my life whom God sent me to help me see the light and go through all of this? How can I not be thankful for all of my close friends who have been there for me?

Who stayed up with me on Skype on chat for hours till 4 or whatever in the morning, convincing me that I’m beautiful while I felt like getting up and breaking the mirror in my room? How can I not be thankful for those who read my thousand-word essays on MySpace messages or over txt msgs? Or for those who didn’t mind talking on the phone with me at night, freezing outside, while it’s about to snow? Who gave me a billion of rides home, listening to my stupid and silly stories about my hopeless dreams? Or simply for those who made me smile, laugh, and MEAN it?

We don’t value what we have in Christ.. and what we have is a family of brothers and sisters who are more than willing to help and to believe in you.. it’s just that WE don’t believe in that.. We quit believing in each other and in the power we have in us to change other people’s lives.. If one falls down, the other one can lift him up.. You hear that? We CAN lift each other up.. we CAN help.. but WHY is it so difficult to believe in that?

Would you believe me now if I’m going to tell you that I think WAAAY too much? And it all started with Starbucks.. and HONESTLY, I did not plan to write all of this.. I just thought I’d post a stupid post about me going to Starbucks way too often lately.. but then I just got “rolling..”

I guess I just want to thank “you” for being there for me.. when I needed it most.. and when you did not even realize that you could have been a person who saved my life.. in a literal meaning of that phrase..

Now, I really don’t know what else to say.. because it feels like I’ve said too much already.. but is it really too much to admit that you’re just like everyone else.. searching.. trying.. feeling.. hoping.. dreaming.. “writing..” thinking.. and still managing somehow to believe? Is that really too much?

I don’t think so.. because we all have a story like this to share.. and what I wrote in here should be nothing new.. It’s not like I just discovered a new continent.. I just shared with what Christ did in my life through my brothers and sisters in him..

God is amazing.. and his ways are the ways we might not understand.. but as one person told me.. “It’s when we’re confused the most, God uses us the most.. and then at the end it all makes perfect sense..”

My life is a funny life filled with funny ironies.. and I love  that.. because at the end of all.. it all makes perfect sense..

And it all started with Starbucks.. I can’t believe that I’m as pathetic as I am.. lol..

Deep sigh.. I’m done. And I meant it. I’m done. I’m done with improvising my story. It’s about time someone here opens up the real notes, the real Word, and starts reading some life-changing stuff, turning her back to the crowd. I’m done.